Lefty McRighty's Web Log

Operation Shake n' Bacon™©®

2011-07-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was watching a video of Imelda May and Wanda Jackson singing Shakin' All Over, and suddenly it occurred to the songwriter in me: Shakin' rhymes with bacon. If they go well together in song, they must go well together in my mouth. And that, boys and girls, is how Shake n' Bacon™©® came to be.

I googled "Shake n' Bacon"™©® and came up with no recipes, so clearly I have invented this concept (never mind that I could have googled "breaded bacon"). I vowed that, before my vacation was over, I would attempt this unholy union. And with oodles of time to kill today, I let 'er rip. Here are the results (skip to the end for a recipe synopsis):

1) Ingredients:

The egg and milk are for an egg wash, which is commonly used in baking to give a crust a golden glow, but is also used as a sort of glue. Onion rings and chicken fingers are typically made with this, so it stood to reason that Shake n' Bacon™©® would benefit from this. I bought regular pork Shake n' Bake, because it made the most sense. Obviously, any one will do, and seasoning is probably an excellent idea for future attempts. For now, I just wanted to see if it would work.

2) Mise en place and preparation:

Preheat the oven to 400°C. Maybe you could fry the bacon in a pan, but I decided to go straight to the oven. Incidentally, this is how I cook regular bacon these days. It's no-fuss no-muss, with little clean-up and no splatter (I cook topless so this is very important to me). Anyway, I went oven because I didn't want to move the bacon once it was coated in bread crumbs. Doing it in the oven allows you to just leave it unattended for 10-20 minutes, depending on the level of crispiness you're looking for. Line a baking sheet with tin foil, no need to grease it because duh bacon is fatty as fuck.

For the egg wash, mix one egg with about 1/3 cup of milk, and pour into a shallow bowl. This should be enough for half a pound of bacon. For the Shake n' Bake, use one packet (the box comes with two). Spread on a 9-12" diameter plate (the one pictured is too small, I changed it after I snapped the pic). I cut the bacon in half because the pieces are easier to handle (you'll see what I mean).

Dip a strip of bacon in the egg wash, making sure to cover both sides fully. Lay it out on the bread crumbs, flip it and do the same to the other side, and lay that sucker on the baking sheet. Repeat until you run out of room and/or bacon.

3) Cook them bitches. I cooked the first batch for 10 minutes, and they didn't look quite done so I gave them another 8. The end product was technically delicious, but stiff as a board and definitely had that overcooked bacon taste to it.

I knew I could do better so I made a second batch, cooked as follows: 10 minutes on one side, then flip and cook 2 minutes on the other side, for good luck. The outcome:

Shake n' Bacon™©® tastes exactly how you expect it to taste: delicious. Bacon to the breadth degree. It was fully cooked but not too chewy. The bread crumbs were perfectly adhered to the bacon - I was afraid they'd crumble off once I picked up the bacon, but the egg wash really did the trick. Oh, and all the grease that normally floats around the baking sheet? Totally absorbed into the bread crumbs. The tin foil was practically dry. Which meant the Shake n' Bacon™©® was completely saturated in bacon fat, and therefore completely saturated in awesome. As pointed out by Peter Pritchard, these are almost begging to be dipped in a melted cheese sauce of some sort. Someone try it and let me know how it tastes.

Shake n' Bacon™©® would make an excellent treat for when you're having friends over and you're feeling a little bit silly, or when you're alone and sad and you want something salty before you eat that pint of ice cream. Serve with beer, even at breakfast time. Especially at breakfast time.

Recipe synopsis

-Bacon (1/2 pound)
-Shake n' Bake or some such shit
-1 large egg
-1/3 cup milk
-Beer (you need something to do for 12 minutes)

Preheat the oven to 400°C. Line a baking sheet with tin foil, no need to grease it. Mix one egg with about 1/3 cup of milk, and pour into a shallow bowl. Spread Shake n' Bake on a 9-12" diameter plate. Cut the bacon in half because the pieces are easier to handle. Dip a strip of bacon in the egg wash, making sure to cover both sides fully. Lay it out on the bread crumbs, flip it and do the same to the other side, and lay that sucker on the baking sheet. Repeat until you run out of room and/or bacon. Bake for 10 minutes, then flip and bake another 2 minutes. Remove from oven and let sit 2 minutes, crack another beer and enjoy.

No two shot glasses are built the same

2011-06-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

ABSTRACT: Shot glasses are like, totally different sizes, y'all.

INTRODUCTION: Last night when I was at the peeler bar watching a live lesbian sex act take place on my table, with my sister and her hot date sitting next to me, the topic of strip club shot glasses came up. Strip club shot glasses are these teeny tiny plastic dealies that aren't much bigger than a thimble yet still cost five bones after the tip. One of the dancers insisted they're a regular bar shot but I just couldn't bring myself to believe it without some hardcore penetrating scientific exploration.

METHODS: Today at work I pilfered a graduated cylinder, which is essentially a measuring cup for science. I had taken a strip club shot glass home last night, and I raided my own cupboard to round up the usual suspects for comparison.

Allow me to present, clockwise from the strip club shot glass (far left): Wedding Souvenir shot glass, Standard Bar shot glass, Steve Stacey and the Stump Splitters plastic shot glass, Totally Retro shot glass, and Parisian Souvenir shot glass.

Most folks consider a shot to be 1.0 fl oz (30ml), which is pretty standard for a shooter or for the amount of booze in a "single" mix drink and this seems as good a jumping point as any. However, a quick trip to the Wikipedia entry on shot glasses tells us that there are whole bunch of different sizes out there, depending on where you live and how much your local bar wants to fuck you up. For our purposes, we want to compare the strip club shot glass with the standard bar shot, and the other ones are being measured just for fun.

RESULTS:

DISCUSSION: Well fuck me, it turns out that not only is the strip club shot glass not smaller than a bar shot, it's fully 21% FUCKING BIGGER. I did not see that coming. Also, it turns out that my random collection of shot glasses vary quite significantly in volume. This finding has important implications in every day life, namely that the prettiest girl always gets the Steve Stacey glass.

It's The Blame Game, vehicular manslaughter edition!

2011-06-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

INFLAMMATORY STATEMENT WARNING: If you've ever been hit by a car while on your bike, you most likely share half the blame.

While biking to work this morning, I had a very close call with a white minivan. Had we connected, and had I survived the ensuing head trauma, I'd like to think that I'd still have enough common sense to know that I shared half the blame, even though I hadn't done anything (legally) wrong.

I was biking at top speed, and approaching a light that was about to turn red. I timed it and knew that I'd get to it before it changed, and committed myself to going through. I was coming up on a van that had clearly made the same decision, as I saw no brake lights as it drew closer to the intersection.

I also saw no turn signal, so I started to overtake her on the right (I bike fast). We both got to the intersection at the exact same time, and this is where the driver decided at the last minute, still not signaling, that she would turn right and nearly kill me in the process.

I caught on at the last minute. I swerved as she braked suddenly at the sight of me. I yelled and flipped her off, and continued on my merry way. She drove off probably cursing me for, I don't know, "sneaking up on her" or some bullshit. But if she'd hit me, I would have to accept that it was my fault too, because I wasn't watching for her to fuck up.

Cyclists don't always realize how vulnerable they are on the road. You can't just cycle down a city street believing that your "rights as a cyclist" will somehow provide a force field that will make cars bounce off you. Drivers fuck up all the time, it's just that a fender bender between a car and a cyclist has oh so much worse consequences that one between two cars.

The only way for a cyclist to avoid being turned into sausage innards is to learn to drive defensively. The key to this is to assume that every vehicle is going to fuck up and kill you, and to watch every car you interact with for signs that they're going to end your life. This means watching for:

-turn signals (or lack thereof) without recognition that you're trying to pass on right, like in my little story;
-drifting towards the curb, which would run you off the road;
-drivers about to exit a parked car as you zip past them (I always look in the sideview mirrors of parked cars, and if I see someone sitting in the driver's seat I get ready for a door to open)
-cars that aren't planning on stopping for a red light on an intersecting street, setting you up for the t-bone of a lifetime

You're in the most danger when in close proximity to a car, especially when you're passing it. You have to assume that they have no idea there's a bicycle coming up on their rear, and act accordingly by watching the car very closely for signs that they don't see you. These collisions are preventable in that an observant cyclist will see the fuckup early and react accordingly; that's their responsibilty. Don't get me wrong, the car drivers have a responsibility to not kill anyone, but let's face it, people are idiots when they drive and cyclists have to account for that.

I can think of one situation that's not preventable by the cyclist: getting hit from behind. A few years ago there was an unfortunate situation where a group of cyclists were brutally mowed down by a driver who came up behind them and I guess just... didn't see them? There's really nothing that can be done in a situation like that; even with rear-view mirrors you can't expect a cyclist to watch behind them constantly. They have to keep their eyes on the road ahead of them. I perform a shoulder check every 10 seconds or so, to familiarize myself with the scene behind me, but even that can't prevent me from being hit by someone coming up fast and just not seeing me.

Cyclists are taught to wear helmets and make themselves visible with goofy neon vests. That only skims the surface of bicycle safety, yet it's "good enough advice" for most. Check out this bicycle safety website I came across:

The Canton Police Department and Bicycle Safety

Do you see how much I wasn't kidding about the helmets and vests? Cyclists aren't taught defensive driving, it's something they have to figure out on their own, based on personal experience and advice from awesome people such as myself. Now where's the freaking medal I so clearly deserve?

I am the Charlie Sheen of driving

2011-04-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

My car runs on tiger blood, and it has one gear: GO. When I'm on the road I'm an F-18, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground. I'm a total bitchin' rock star and the only thing I'm addicted to is winning by getting there first.

This is the first of what will likely be many installments in a series called either "I Am The Charlie Sheen of Driving" or "At The Mercy Of Idiots". In this series, I will impart driving wisdom I've gained over the years, in order to either help other impatient drivers get ahead, or teach the slow ones to not be so goddamned inconsiderate.

Today's lesson: How to get past a slow guy at a red light.

The key to getting somewhere faster than everyone else is to not be stuck behind them. This is easy to do when there are two lanes and you can just, you know, pass their ass. But on streets with parked cars in the other lane, that's not so easy. This trick will work for you if you're near the front of the line as the light turns red.

1. Get in the right hand lane. All the other sheeple are getting in the left lane because they see the parked cars up the road. Take the empty spot on the right, but make sure to stay back one car length.

2. Watch the intersecting light. You should be able to see the light itself, but if you can't because of the angle, try looking for the reflection of the light on the little sun shield that's over each light. When the light turns yellow, start moving forward. Don't floor it, there's no need to go fast, as long as you're moving.

3. If you've timed it properly, you'll be entering the intersection when the light turns green. The potentially slow lead car is just now noticing that the light has changed, and in the amount of time it takes for them to process this signal and tell their foot to put on the gas, you're already halfway through the intersection and in front of them.

Watch out for red light cameras. I haven't figured out exactly how they work, but I suspect that if you enter the intersection before the light turns green, you might get a ticket, so watch your timing.

The reason you stay back one car length is in the event that the lead guitar driver has F-18 tiger reflexes that match your own, but still likes to drive the limit - you both start moving the instant the light changes, but you don't get to pass unless you friggin' floor it. Or, some people who fancy themselves "the road police" will decide that they're not going to let you pass, and they'll race you when the light goes green. If you're one length back, there's a very good chance they don't even notice you're there, so you can just scoot on in.

Now this technique has an inherent danger to it, so listen up: If you're the first person through a fresh green light, you're at a much greater risk of getting t-boned, ESPECIALLY in this situation because you're essential sneaking out of nowhere so the red-light-runner might not see you and decide to just go anyway. In order to not die you still have to look both ways before proceeding:

This will be expanded upon in a future post, entitled "Why it's usually the cyclist's fault when they get hit by a car."

*edit*
Clearly, this whole thing doesn't apply if the opposing lane gets an advance green. It's up to you to be familiar with the intersection to know whether they'll get one or not.

Hot dog, we have a weiner

2011-04-05T05:47:00.001-07:00

Well there you have it folks, the popularity poll is finished, and the most popular band name is:

Lefty McRighty and the Sinister Six

That one was Standup Steve's idea, and won with a landslide 31% of the vote. Of course, with a minority win, the runners-up could band together to make a majority and kick its ass.

The runners-up are as follows. Interesting to note: with the exception of one, they're all ones I came up with. Does that mean that the whole thing was a giant waste of time? Yes. Yes, it does. But thanks for coming out, and thanks for voting! And thanks for not voting for The Vaginal Spittoons^a!

#2 Lefty McRighty and The Devil's Armpit
#3 Lefty McRighty and The Righteous Lefties (whoever thought this one up, take a bow, I don't remember where I heard it and I can't find it in the original threads - maybe I *did* think it up myself)
#4 Lefty McRighty and The Lesionnaires
#5 Lefty McRighty and The Whiskeybots

^a One of you voted for The Vaginal Spittoons. I have your IP address and I'm coming for you with a vaginal spittoon that your Mom filled up.

Let's name Lefty's backup band: FINAL ROUND

2011-04-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's top 5:
Lefty McRighty and The Sinister Six
Lefty McRighty and The Unholy Union
Lefty McRighty and The Vaginal Spitoons
Lefty McRighty and The Righteous Lefties
Lefty McRighty and The Whiskeybots

All righty folks, here's the final round of names. Pick your favourite (only one vote per person now) and we'll see how this shapes up. Voting ends Monday when I shut down the poll and go to bed. We're going to try really hard to honour the winner, unless it's "Lefty McRighty and The Vaginal Spittoons" in which case FUCK NO, we'll take whatever got second place (unless it's also lame).

Thanks for helping out folks, and especial thanks to all the awesome ideas submitted by the fans. My personal favourites are mostly still in the running, so I'm happy.

Oh also, just for shits and giggles, we're doing a secret vote - results revealed Tuesday.

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Let's name Lefty's backup band, part the third

2011-04-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

Before we begin, an erratum: I noticed today that the quiz title contains no apostrophe's, and hasnt for the last couple of day's. I just want you all to know that this is not an oversight on my part, I know how to use an apostrophe (if you dont, check this out) - apparently the poll generating software just doesnt like apostrophe's in their title's. Anyway, lets move on to roun'd 3...

Yesterday's top 5:

Lefty McRighty and The Hoe Diggers
Lefty McRighty and The Peter Pritchards
Lefty McRighty and The Rest
Lefty McRighty and The Pluckin' Soundholes
Lefty McRighty and The Lesionnaires

Here we go gang, I received a fuckload of submissions for the band-naming suggestion "contest". We'll do it in 3 stages, picking the top 5 from each and moving them to the finals. Out of the final top 15, we'll do a final vote to see which is most popular. I can't promise that we'll go with the most popular, because "Male Lesbians" might end up winning, and no one wants to be called that.

So without further ado, here's the third round of choices - pick as many as you like, it's that kinda voting system. Some of these are mine, some are fan suggestions. Some are brilliant, some are just plain fucking stupid. But they're all here. They'll be coming at you in alphabetical order, that's easier than me trying to randomize them. Oh, and voting ends tonight at midnight.

(if you made a suggestion that doesn't end up on the list, it's because either it was already taken, or because you're Big Jeezus Truck and you suggested "The Rimjobs")

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Let's name Lefty's backup band, part deux

2011-04-01T05:23:00.001-07:00

Yesterday's top 5:

Lefty McRighty and The Cock-a-doodlers (really, folks?)
Lefty McRighty and The Ambiturners
Lefty McRighty and The Devil's Armpit
Lefty McRighty and The Dirty Wingmen
Lefty McRighty and The Crosseyed Players

Here we go gang, I received a fuckload of submissions for the band-naming suggestion "contest". We'll do it in 3 stages, picking the top 5 from each and moving them to the finals. Out of the final top 15, we'll do a final vote to see which is most popular.

I can't promise that we'll go with the most popular, because "Male Lesbians" might end up winning, and no one wants to be called that.

So without further ado, here's the second round of choices - pick as many as you like, it's that kinda voting system. Some of these are mine, some are fan suggestions. Some are brilliant, some are just plain fucking stupid. But they're all here. They'll be coming at you in alphabetical order, that's easier than me trying to randomize them. Oh, and voting ends tonight at midnight.

(if you made a suggestion that doesn't end up on the list, it's because either it was already taken, or because you're Big Jeezus Truck and you suggested "The Rimjobs")

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Let's name Lefty's backup band, part 1

2011-03-31T07:29:00.000-07:00

Here we go gang, I received a fuckload of submissions for the band-naming suggestion "contest". We'll do it in 3 stages, picking the top 5 from each and moving them to the finals. Out of the final top 15, we'll do a final vote to see which is most popular.

I can't promise that we'll go with the most popular, because "Male Lesbians" might end up winning, and no one wants to be called that.

So without further ado, here's the first round of choices - pick as many as you like, it's that kinda voting system. Some of these are mine, some are fan suggestions. Some are brilliant, some are just plain fucking stupid. But they're all here. They'll be coming at you in alphabetical order, that's easier than me trying to randomize them. Oh, and voting ends tonight at midnight.

(if you made a suggestion that doesn't end up on the list, it's because either it was already taken, or because you're Big Jeezus Truck and you suggested "The Rimjobs")

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The thing about bass players...

2011-03-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

ABSTRACT: Bass players are insecure and need to come to terms with their lesser role in the band.

____________________________________
Before you get all riled up, you should know that I'm a bassist. I play several instruments at various skill levels, but rock bass guitar is what I started on, and it's the instrument I'm the most comfortable playing. Somehow, your knowing this excuses everything I'm about to say.

I suppose this I should clear this up too:

ROCK BASS [rok beys]: The guitar with which a musician plays the lowest part in harmonic music in any type of rock music setting, from the Beatles to Fucking Slayer.

ROCK BASS [rok bæs]: Any of numerous edible, spiny-finned, freshwater or marine fishes of the families Serranidae and Centrarchidae

Rock bass is not a very difficult instrument to play. Relative to the other instruments in a rock band (guitar, drums, keyboard), it has the least possible ways to fuck up. There are only two ways to make a mistake on the bass: hit the wrong note, and hit it at the wrong time. Both are very easily fixed by quickly jumping into a scale and claiming you were just being "jazzy". If the rock band were a restaurant kitchen, the bass player would be the dishwasher (drummer = deep fry cook; lead guitarist = head chef; rhythm guitarist = food prep; keyboard = saucier; lead singer = when the owner drops by to "help" and just fucks everything up because he's not really that familiar with the actual inner workings of a kitchen).

For that reason, the bass player in a rock band is the most easily replaced. His parts are the easiest to learn in a short amount of time, and because he's the least recognized member of the band, no one really notices when a new bass player rolls into town. Need a new drummer? Fuck, we're out of commission for a month. Need a new bass player? No problem, we'll just grab someone off the street before soundcheck.

Bass players have it easy - they have the least pressure about fucking up, because no one ever really notices when they do. They have the least pressure when it comes to skill level, because at the bare minimum all they have to do is wait for the guitarists to come up with the music, then just play a simpler version of it on bass. Compare the bass and guitar parts on Guitar Hero, you'll see what I mean.

Bass players know at some level that no one really cares about them. They're important to the overall sound of the band, but unfortunately it's one of those instances where they just don't get the credit they deserve, much like the guy that removes gum and cigarette butts from urinals. As a result, they're burdened with one hell of an inferiority complex, which causes them to do things that a bassist shouldn't be doing, so they can shine like a crazy diamond, even if just for a second.

Next time you're at a show, watch the bass player intently for a few songs. He'll most likely perform what's known as a "slide" at some point, hitting a note high on the neck and sliding down to a heavy-handed root note. It'll be in a quiet part of the song, like when the drums and guitar cut out for a second - that's his time to shine, one big hurrah.
The especially insecure ones will take it a step further and slide UP the neck first, so it's like "buwAAwugh!" instead of "BEeoooo!" Watch his face when he performs this move - he's glowing from the sheer intensity of their moment of glory. Or, even worse, he's looking out at the crowd with a "Yeah that's right, you all want to fuck me now" look. It's kind of sad.

Another thing an insecure bass player will do is too much noodling high up on the neck. The bass guitar is supposed to provide a middle ground between guitar and drums. Rhythmically it locks into both instruments, and sonically it provides a low end such that in some circumstances you don't so much hear the notes as you do feel them. This low end is achieved by playing in the bass guitar's strong area: anywhere below the 7th fret. All that other space? That's just filler, necessary for the length of the neck, and to give the guy somewhere to slide down from. It's ok to wander up there once in awhile for a kick ass solo, or during an entire section of the song that's dynamically different from the rest, or for a quick flourish, so long as the majority of the song is tastefully played below the 7th fret, preferably on the E, A and D strings. When an insecure bass player moves too far up the neck too often, it just takes away from the low-end rumble of the bass that's supposed to be reaching down into people's throats and poking around their guts.

Some bass players like to compensate by adding extra strings to their instrument. A 5th string, provided it's tuned to low B, adds 4 extra notes to the bass, but the're at the low end where it matters so I'll allow it. My main bass through high school was a 5-string, and I used the shit out of that extra string, so it wouldn't go to waste. But there are bass guitars with 6 or more strings, with the high string(s) tuned to lord knows what. All it does is add more room for wanky high-up noodling which sounds ridiculous (see above). They also allow for complex chords, which just end up sounding like shit on bass. It's ok to hit a couple of notes at the same time for a neat little oomph, but an entire chord? No, that's what guitar players are for, and you're not a guitar player.

The bass player should stand out visually, not sonically. He should have the longest hair in the band, he should sling his bass as low as humanly possible, he should giv'er the hardest on stage. Their parts are the easiest to play, so they can use all that extra mental capacity to run around, headbang, execute perfectly timed rock jumps, scream bitchin' backup vocals, that sort of thing. Bass players get laid for their antics, not their talents. Take this quiz by guessing which one gets laid most:

[edit]
Here's a joke I heard, from @trevorbattle (find him on twitter)

So this kid goes to his dad and says "I think I want to be a musician, I think I want to take bass lessons". So the dad says sure, and signs him up.

After one lesson he comes home and the dad asks "How was your lesson?" and the son says "Great, I learned how to hold the bass, and I learned the names of the strings!".

After lesson two, the dad asks "How was the lesson?" and the son goes "Oh it was awesome, I learned how to tune the bass and how to pluck a string!"

After the third lesson the dad asks "How was the lesson?" and the kid sahttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifys "Ah, I blew it off today, I had a gig."

[edit 2]
THIS

Courtesy of one of the funnest afternoons I've ever spent, at http://www.rockandrollconfidential.com